I just want to be public for a moment about something very private.
Most people don't know that I've been in a relationship for the past 2 years. I've kept it off social media, and been quiet as a mouse.
Don't let me fool you though, I've wanted to share and shout my love for this man from rooftops. I loved him completely, wholly and thought we might spend forever together. But the undertone for the entirety of the romance was "he's not ready, and may never be", so I had to respect that, bear it in mind and not get too overzealous about our love.
Well that relationship is now ending.
And the reason I choose now to be public about it is because for the first time in my life (ok, maybe second) I'm feeling a pain that deserves explaining.
My hope is that someone else may benefit or relate to what i'm saying, and that it will help them at some point.
The pain is a cocktail of hurt, awkwardness, a sense that good things will be happening to me soon, optimism, depression, anxiousness, embarrassment, a sense that this is the right thing to do, as equally as a sense that this breakup is unnecessary and wrong.
what i'm feeling though, is less important than "why". the fact that i'm feeling those things at all is a good and bad indication of what has happened to me in the 4 years since my divorce. and that's the thing i really want to share about.
after my divorce I read lots of books, including The Game (about pickup artists), Why Men Love Bitches (about how to not lose yourself in a relationship), How to Become your own Matchmaker (by the Millionaire Matchmaker), The Way of the Superior Man (by David Deide, a master in the area of masculine and feminine spirituality), and I started listening to as many youtube interviews with Alison Armstrong (of the Celebrating Men, Satisfying Woman courses) as I could digest.
all of this information helped me to see that i could have better romantic relationships with men, and i saw the light at the end of the tunnel towards a happily ever after. i started shifting my attention towards thanking men for what they provided for me, and acknowledging them when they did things that i liked. i started to see that each relationship i was in led to a better and more fulfilling one. i was still heart broken after each of those relationships ended, but none of those breakups even comes close to what i'm feeling from this breakup, and i'll explain why in a moment.
when i was younger i was definitely more masculine. i was tough and independent. I was more driven, more self sufficient, really single focused, sexually oriented, and ridiculously direct in my communication to the point of seeming insensitive. I was super chivalrous and I even attracted a lot of straight women, it was crazy. I liked being so strong and capable. it meant i was ALWAYS 100% IN CONTROL and NEVER had to lean on a single person for anything. i was in control of myself, of my thoughts and emotions, everything was logical, had a path and a purpose, and i could withstand A LOT. i was super tough- a total badass. i was even a better “man” than a lot of men that i knew.
but from all this learning i started having better relationships, better communication, and a better understanding about men. i found that i didnt have to be so tough to get what i wanted, and i found that actually the opposite was true- the more vulnerable i was, the more i allowed myself to feel and to express those feelings honestly, the more likely i was to be heard and provided for in the relationship. this feminine way was in me all along, it just needed to be coaxed out into the open. id played the masculine role for so long, adjusting took time and happened over the course of many years.
it wasn't till this relationship that i felt truly ready, truly feminine, truly embraced and loved for me just the way i am. i was totally ready to give this man every benefit and beautiful thing that a woman has to offer. i wanted to be graceful and patient, loving and supportive, encouraging and nurturing, and above all i wanted to be the best partner i could possibly be. i was ready to give 100% to him and every family member, every person in his life, and every project he took on. it was my privilege and divine honor actually. i felt like a queen.
but wait. let me explain that the burden that comes with the benefits of being feminine is that those emotions we feel so deeply can be our beacon OR our demise. because if we're listening to our emotions, and being sensitive to ourselves, we can hear what we need. and if you've ever known a woman who's NOT getting what she needs...well, she's a colossal bitch. but on the contrary, when a woman has her needs met, she can be the most giving human on the planet. she can be emotionally vulnerable, sexually open, productive and happy, and take care of as many kids as you put in front of her.
the other thing I've learned about men and woman is that men have a very clear understanding of their needs, and they treat their needs as immediate and urgent (like everything is an emergency, almost). whereas women will put their needs aside till its absolutely impossible to ignore, and by that point it usually IS an emergency (if you know me well, you know how bad i am about eating when i need to, or letting too much time pass before i actually take care of myself).
so combine the sensitivity to feelings, the putting off needs till its the last possible moment, and this last point i'm about to make and you'll understand entirely why this breakup is different than any other.
men, from my understanding, need to work. they feel driven to do it, empty without it. and are always figuring out how to provide through a job, an idea, or hard labor. but without that purpose, they feel empty. Men, am i right? you need that purpose to feel fulfilled?
well for women, what we need is to love and be loved. we have that same drive to give (and get) love as you do to work and provide. and of course we have an ideal love scenario just like you have an ideal job. and of course when you find that ideal scenario you’d hope to have a permanency with it. that would mean total security and freedom.
so now that I’ve explained those 3 things, i can explain why this relationship has hit me so hard at its end.
because as a woman who's finally feeling, finally vulnerable and realizing she DOES need a man in her life as her outlet for love, and finally feeling like she'd found her king, i was hoping for permanency. i found what was close enough to my perfect ideal, that i was happy and hoping this would be my "it".
i accept that its not, i will move forward and be fine. i will find my next love, and hopefully at some point i will find my permanent "King", but letting go and grieving the loss of the relationship is like the male equivalent of loosing your ideal job, and because of nothing you did wrong! the problem is, i'm not that dude-like person anymore who can just brush this off. i've coaxed myself out of that, i feel EVERYTHING now. i'm sensitive, and vulnerable and not the badass i used to be. (well, i'm still a badass, but for a whole new slew of reasons. Just don't ask me to change a tire anymore, lol, i would much rather redecorate my house.)
I own a pink coffee mug for the first time in 32 years. and considering i used to be the girl who hated to even wear a dress, this is a big change! and the man who bought me that mug is my soon to be ex-bf! the man i treated and loved like a husband for the last 2 years.
this feelings stuff is hard!