i've been having trouble with my optimism lately.
i grew up with "landmark" parents, which essentially means i was encouraged, empowered, told i could do no wrong, and that my ultimate priority in life was to be happy.
not a bad upbringing really. i was super happy almost all the time, and when i wasn't i was so blissfully unaware of it that it didn't even matter. i felt total emotional and verbal freedom. i said what i wanted and had the most unusual and seemingly positively impossible life for a teenager. i was called an old soul and told i had wisdom beyond my years.
i went from being a teen, to being a woman living with her mother, to being a wife. and it wasn't till my divorce and my father passed away that i ever really had to be on my own.
see, i lived off my optimism for quite some time, both as a teenager and as an adult- meaning i was so happy and charming that people would just offer me things, and me, totally unaware of what they might want in return, would accept their generosity without consideration. i was offered exciting freebies, trips, exclusive opportunities and vip experiences, just because. none of this was ever stuff that i needed, but when it did come to that, i was always able to find someone to help, and usually for free. but i hated that kind of lifestyle, and it can often lead to dangerous situations where your thanks are no longer enough and whats wanted is more than you're prepared to give, especially if you're a woman.
so being aware of that, when it came time for me to fend for myself at 27 years old, i didn't want to depend on the generosity of others to get by, i didn't want to suffer a life of never having accomplished anything on my own, and i certainly didn't want to live a life reliant upon my charm, looks, or any other quality i didn't have control over.
the problem with that choice is that it tests you, and it can (and probably will) take away your innocence. you will experience, as i have, the mistakes that can be made in trusting the wrong people, and how hard it can be to find help when you really need it.
its hard to believe in "anything is possible" and to maintain positivity when you discover that the world is filled with people that are pretty ready to cheat you given the chance. where people actually look for saps like me and target the unprotected weak so they can get ahead themselves or worse, fulfill some sick evil plan.
the point really is, when i was younger and oh so innocent it was easy to bounce back from being taken advantage of. it wasn't such a heartache or stomach ache if someone did me wrong, because i could cry to mom and dad or to my mentor or to whomever about the wrong that was done and i could blissfully cry it out, ignore it and go back to my happy reality. i was raped, stolen from, emotionally abused, and downright used, but back then none of it mattered, because i could bounce right back. i was super resilient, and nothing stood between me and my ideals.
its like teenagers looking at grown ups and saying "you have to relax, why don't you just chill out! you're so uptight!"
you know why they can say that? because there's no threat to their survival in saying that, there's nothing major at stake if they flunk a test or piss off their teachers. you're still going to clothe, feed and shelter them.
but as a self reliant adult...if you try that shit with your boss? your clients? you're going to loose money, sales, reputation, and your survival will be at stake. you will not put food on the table, and you will not have a roof over your head.
the consequences of being a grown up who can't produce are far greater than being a teen who won't produce. so its fair to say that as one grows up, the feeling of survival has the potential to increase.
and what happens when people feel their survival is being threatened? how do people respond in the space of fear or threat? they freak the fuck out, become animalistic and lower themselves to the shadiest of tactics to produce the result they seek.
but we don't strive for minimal values of food and shelter anymore, we strive for some value of them that appeals to our visually evolved sense of identity. so the pressure to wear the newest fashion can feel like the same pressure to put food on your plate- which is insane and causes people to do insane things in an order to feel "safe" and "secure" again. because like in basic survival, we seek safety in numbers, and being part of a group takes acceptance. so it makes sense that keeping up with the jones's can really feel like life or death to some people.
what i'm trying to say is that its not easy to stay true to optimistic ideals and values that were learned and practiced in innocent and well buffered times.
with no safety net its harder to that belief in all for one and one for all, and if i'm feeling like its every man for himself then that's truly sad, because i am one of the happiest and most optimistic people in the world.
i realized a few years ago that we all pretty much see ourselves the same way- as good people. we all think its the other driver being an asshole at the intersection and we all feel good about ourselves when we let someone go ahead of us in line. we all feel entitled to having a bad day where we make other people pay for it, and we all have that moral dilemma where we feel bad the next day about doing it.
but here's the thing...we all have bad days that we don't realize are affecting others, we all have moments where we're being that asshole no one likes and we have no idea. we all have those moments when we're embarrassing the shit out of someone and we're totally blind to it because we're just being ourselves.
we all think we're totally aware, and we're totally and awesomely not! if we were there would be more peace and getting along. there would be more communities and sunshine, and beaches and yoga and bliss and everyone could smoke weed and go to work when they wanted, we'd all just be happy man. happy.
that was totally a joke, in case you didn't notice.
did i annoy you just now? maybe that threw some of you way of track, or maybe just now you're remembering how much you hate that i don't use any capital letters, maybe some of you stopped reading long ago because you thought my writing sucked and had no point. the "point" is that none of it matters.
none of this judgmental stuff makes any bit of difference to my heart and my life and my soul.
this is just some public opinion essay on some public opinion website. what do i care and why should you?
but guess what. if this was a blog designed or intended to make money...if this was how i planned to survive...you'd better bet your ass i would care. you'd better bet that my ass would be online every night trying crack the popularity code. why? because public opinion matters when it comes to making money.
and i was raised too damn fun-loving and happy hippyish to really truly give a damn about this survival pressure.
but there's a catch 22 in that. because i want to see beauty when i wake up. i wan't to feed my cats the best food, and eat at places that really know what they're doing, and last i checked none of that stuff was free.
yes i'm aware that i could go all ekhart tolle on ya'll and be the happy homeless person, but i just really like stuff. good stuff, nice stuff. and i put pressure on myself to have those bits of stuff for my own enjoyment. and guess what, when i work enough to afford myself the stuff i want and like, you'd better believe i celebrate.
that car i bought, yeah its not as nice as yours, but guess what, i worked damn hard to get it, so deal with the fact that i'm proud of it. and that girl next to me, when she got a car for her birthday because her daddy worked hard enough that she doesn't have to, i'm not going to hate on her. i'm going to say "damn, what do i have to do to be that rich?'
see, this is where the gemini side of me gets me in trouble.
i'm half ready to run over people to the finish line as i am ready to stop the race completely and make everyone hold hands and sing coombya.
my values are constantly bumping up against reality. take honesty for example, what does that actually look like in the real world? telling your child to be honest to their friend when they're mad is not the same as being honest with your boss when you're mad, which isn't the same as being honest with your significant other when you're mad. each one has a very unique set of consequences. and integrity- don't even get me started on how that looks different to different people.
i was told growing up that part of the unspoken social agreement was to not call each other out on our shortcomings and faults. but that if you wanted to really live a life of fulfillment and possibility- you'd have to be willing to call people out, to not step over things, and to be a stand for something.
that practice is a lot easier to implement as a teenager, when your innocence is high, and the stakes and failure rate are at a major low.
so although i want to go spend my time giving of myself to people the way i used to, through volunteering and just being the charming happy woman i've always been- i struggle with the side of me that's trying to pay my mortgage every month in a very non traditional career. and thrive while doing it.
i still believe in that ultimate happy ending, that daydream of once again feeling that security and safety.
i've been told that its possible, and i've even seen a few fairy tales come true, but there's enough "not that" in the world, and people who don't believe in it- that it almost makes me think it was all a mirage.
its comes down to trust, strength of will and personal resolve.
and after its boiled down to that level you have to check your heart.
and that's where you'll find that luckily and thankfully we are all the same.