i always wanted to be peter and reggie.
growing up my dad had two friends who had been together for something like 30 years. they lived together, were completely committed, bonded, happy, mutually supportive, and in love, but had never gotten married. they looked out for each others futures, were financially stable, had mutual interests, were very loved by their friends, and seemed like a really solid unit/partnership. they didn't finish each others sentences, but attentively listened while they each finished their own. they didn't talk in baby voices to each other, but they were playful and joked with each other and made each other laugh. they weren't making out and groping each other, but they were physically affectionate and spoke very lovingly to one other. even as a teenager i said to myself "i want to be them when i grow up". peter and reggie were my relationship idols.
but we women want security, and to us security comes in the form of relationship titles and commitment, so i guess this is a case of be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.
my current relationship situation is pretty non committal even though its exclusive. its very loving although we have no title (i refer to him by his name or as "my guy"), we're mutually supportive, encouraging and we seem pretty damn compatible thus far. everything seems to be going great, but we've avoided conversations about the future almost entirely.
i admit i've never been happier, but living in the moment is no easy task.
we've all been taught tactics to protect ourselves and to ensure we don't get hurt, but often those tactics become rules, and we follow them at the expense of our truest love expression.
for instance:
ive been taught that if you show your love of sex too early they will only look at you as an object and use you.
i've been told to let a man pursue you, regardless how much you like him.
i've been taught not to give too much too soon for fear of becoming an under-appreciated convenience.
ive been told to not be so open and to hold back certain details.
all of these things are supremely counter intuitive to someone who's been taught that life and love are safe playgrounds.
but the truth is i, like most, have been hurt in the past to the point of questioning my actions and beliefs. so holding back, being less available, and putting up walls became my new rules. but making men jump through hoops is no fun, and i wouldnt want someone to treat me that way either, so in my current relationship i've opted for a slightly more aware version of the original me even though it scares me to do so.
i'm being open, committed, loving, passionate, and 100% myself. that awareness is merely reminding me to take each day as it comes, enjoy the ride, and that there are risks for both of us. because love is not always a safe playground and the truth is things may end. i may get hurt, he may get hurt, we may fall in love and we may not. we may be the perfect fit or we may try to make it work and fail. we may wish we'd never met each other but on the contrary we may end up spending the rest of our lives together like peter and reggie.
of course i want the latter. i've wanted it since i was a teenager. and i feel hes someone i could potentially spend my life with, but the way to get there is by equally balancing the dream and the reality, the future and the present. and taking it one day, one moment, one breathe at a time.